Unspoken Love at Her Wedding

I fasten her sleek, pearl-encrusted dress and glide on the floor like the mist does. Nora does not see that I'm a little nervous as I fix the final button, so she is unaware. She stands before the mirror, shimmering and hair neatly curled, just as she imagined her wedding day would turn out. I also smile when I see them. That's the way best friends support each other.

However, in another life, I would be just like that.

If Caleb was a different man, we would have kissed under the lights at Maggie's Lake and not heard him say he couldn't.

Nora doesn't realize that I was in love with him. Not really. She is aware that Caleb and I were friends when we were in school. We used to put songs onto Spotify lists for each other and talk about the big issues at night. She has no idea how he brushed my hair and told me I complete him.

She isn't aware that I considered it to mean something.

Grab the shoes, please. Nora asks, pulling down the front of her brocade dress.

I bend over to put the ivory heels on her feet, just like those we found six months back at Bloom's Bridal. That day, she was so happy, and I wondered if he could be better off with her. His mood is lifted because of her.

I did the very same thing.

She slightly turns during her stand. "Could you help me with the veil?"

I nod and take the tulle with beaded flowers along the edge. In its reflection, I can see the veil of a halo that no one but an angel would deserve. A person who had confidence when explaining that he was leaving to figure things out. A person who convinced him to stay rather than leave.

I place the veil on her head and easily pin it in place.

"You're absolutely perfect," I mutter since it's true.

Her face has a slight smile. Many thanks, Lanie. Without you, I couldn't achieve any of this."

A burning sensation rises in my heart. The reason is not to cause her pain—it's simply that I don't want to feel my own pain. I wish the questions about Caleb's different choices did not come up. If life happened to go just a little better.

We walk downstairs while I am following her. Every step down the sorrowful staircase reminds me of something I can't bear to recall.

Caleb shared a kiss with me here when we were on the first step of the stairs. The date was New Year's Eve. He smelled of cinnamon and had a freckle that I spotted only then. "Lilacs" was the word he gave me when we met, and that's when I knew—he'd ruined me.

However, he did not do that. Not really.

He left me whole enough to see him falling for the woman who is still my best friend.

We are done with the stairs, so I take her train and fluff it up. The carpet we're standing on is a mix of ivory and gold, and there's a vase of orchids on the table, which Nora enjoys. Yet, he found the right songs for me. I said those orchids reminded me of my mom when our relationship began.

I look at them for too many minutes. Even though the rest of the place is neutral, the pink flowers refuse to blend in with the decor. Is this a hint he's using to show me what it's like? His ending play.

Nora's father walks in from the foyer with his tie straightened. "Ready?"

She nods in agreement, and they grab each other's arms. I wait by the side until the director gives me the signal to leave. The wedding planner said the members of the bridal party who didn't need to be at the ceremony should go via that entrance.

When I open the door, the music gets louder.

Delicate strings play through the song "Clair de Lune," a tune written by Debussy. I feel a tightness in my heart. I told Caleb at one point that it was the song I loved most because it sounded as soft and sorrowful as moonlight shining on the waves.

I try to go undetected, so I sneak into a side pew. Only a few people are sitting, yet I take my place, keeping my hands and lips together.

After that, I notice him among all the other people.

Caleb was standing at the altar for the ceremony.

He is dressed in navy, much different from black. No boutonnière. He holds his hands gently together in front of him to try and keep still. It was only now that I looked at him in a new light. As he glances at me, I feel a moment of silence compared to before.

I recall all the different versions of us. Everything is opposite to who we are.

Each time we slept on the roof and the way he always laughed with his bright eyes. Letters that never reached their destination. When he said, "If things were different," he didn't explain anything about it.

At this point, the doors open.

Nora arrives with her father, and they are backlit by the afternoon sun. She glows. No other term fits this situation. Then he smiles in a way that makes his eyes smile, too, and I feel connected to him.

The last trip before the end.

Everyone stands. I also do. It's simply what needs to be done. I see the woman walk toward the man she agreed to spend her life with. Whenever she walks away, another memory disappears from my thoughts.

Upon seeing me, she thinks of everything I cannot provide.

The couple makes their vows. They sing with a steady and clear voice. "Forever," "honor," and "faithful" act as the long-lasting promises between them, much like engraved marble. I hold my hands to my thighs. The orchids match perfectly with the pink dress I wore all those weeks back.

Every time the officiant says, "If anyone objects," I forget to breathe.

It's hard to understand why I choose to speak to others.

It may be that no one ever brought it up before. It could be because I am tired of staying silent. Deep down inside me, I hoped he'd think about me again.

Yet I express my feelings.

"I do."

Suddenly, the remarks are in the air, hard and audible for all.

Everything becomes quiet in the room.

Some people notice who you are. Caleb is included in those circumstances. Nora too.

All I want is for everything to disappear. I just wish I could swallow what I said and act like I never told them. Yet, they exist in the space between individuals, just like a second heartbeat.

My words come out fumbling as I try to deal with the situation. "I didn't mean to sound…"

However, his expression looks different from before. He seems ready to say something as he steps up and parts his lips. He doesn't feel Nora's hand on his arm anymore.

The person performing the ceremony cautiously says, "Explain what you think has happened."

I can't.

However, I may have the ability.

Here, there's no need to focus on a single action. It centres around the truth.

I look at Caleb as he says those words. I have been reminded that you felt whole because of me. The first kiss came from you. You gave your word! You kept saying that everything was about when. Hopefully, if things become possible in the future…

He does not try to deny it.

Still, he doesn't move forward to meet me where I stand.

I am so sorry," I say to no one at all.

I turn and leave after that. As I walk down the hall, my footsteps sound off like commas and periods. I'm not concerned with what happened in the past.

The world continues to move as the wind outside lifts the sun's blanket of clouds. A visitor passes by and doesn't know who I am. Excellent. 

  I exhale as I stand on the sidewalk. Perhaps this was how I let go. 

  Experiencing heartbreak is a normal part of life. 

  But at least I stated it aloud this time.